For a couple of days after the inauguration of my friend, the far-too-liberal Jared Polis, as governor of Colorado, I couldn't stop remarking on the pain involved in having to sit (or in my case stand) through the poetry of Anne Waldman who may have replaced the Vogons as the source of the third-worst poetry in the universe: https://khow.iheart.com/featured/ross-kaminsky/content/2019-01-09-poet-at-polis-inauguration-worse-than-vogon-poetry/
So I asked my listeners to submit their best poems on the subject of Jared's inauguration, with particular requests for haikus and limericks. The author of the winning poem (as judged by me, with Producer Shannon's input) will get to go out, assuming you want to, for lunch with me (and of course I'm buying!)
There is certainly a consistent theme: my listeners aren't happy that Jared was elected. But within unhappy poems, some are kinder to Jared than others...
Below are the submissions received, in the order received, beginning with a special entry into the contest, by...wait for it...Jared Polis:
"Jackalope" on Twitter:
Colorado has a new governor
Who promised things that can’t be paid for.
Like healthcare and pre-k
Oh how will he pay?
It’s more than we can afford
Orange Man Bad
Save us Overlord Polis
Nation is sad
Ions, water, Big Horn Sheep
Polis, bolus, rigamarolus
Colorado no more weep
(Ross: good use of "ions")
Karl on Twitter:
Roses are red. COLORADO is blue.
Poetry is hard. Jared will do fine.
My Ode to Colorado by Jared Polis
A wolf in sheep’s clothing is what I am,
My whole campaign has been a scam.
Just sit back and enjoy the show,
I’ll raise your taxes and you won’t know.
I said I’m going to be the governor of all,
Well the hell with that I lied y’all.
(Ross: Billy, that was pretty harsh for Jared's second full day in office!)
Schmeefs in my Imaginary Extra Glands (a short Jared Polis Inauguration Poem)
Mourning fog burned in the shoals as the other mono installers derided
Gasp...Holding to the expressions, fellows reversed their eyelid
Happy! Happy! Luncheon vittles...Hammered corn and cleaning ensues on the dias for the aphid
(It is really hard to write such beautiful poetry but I have a gift)
(Ross: I'll have what he's having)
Jared Polis the man who would be king.
Bought his way to the top so that he could sing.
Now we must live by the laws he hands down.
Dear Lord please save us from this clown.
Polis is head of our state,
the Dems, they hardly could wait!
With the sturm und the drang,
I feel a great pang,
Most bills, we righties will hate!
Elected by the people
Hope he does good things
GLORIOUS day of the freeloading victim (ahhhh)
FRAUGHT with the boy/girlious lecternitis.....
It's no oxident.
(Ross: I'm speechless)
I am governor.
I bought it all by myself.
You'll like me. Obey.
I sit on the pot
I listen to this rot
My ears are infected
You are afflicted
Oh California how I long to be like you
With apps that show where poo lie in wait
where taxes are taken to their highest rate
where cars run on sunshine
and wind flushes our waste
where identity is taken first into account
while money is taken from your bank account
California with rocky mountains and wild Broncos is what we want to be
no plastic bags
I’m on my way to being just like you, an over rated land with liberty at stake.
Colorado will be renamed The Jared Polis State.
Katie (mostly a limerick):
There once was a young man from Boulder
who is making me feel much older
There's a glint in his eye
so much he could buy!
with no money my home will be colder.
I couldn't resist the challenge.
I call him young man 'cause I'm old.
He wants my cash
for his personal stash.
The private sector's been sold.
Jared is now the leader of the state
Who knows how much he will dictate
He might take my gun
Or outlaw having fun
I'm hoping I won't have to migrate
Left facing, left leaning, liberal to the core
Listen to others sure, but it makes my head soreSmile and wave, always polite.
Make deals for social justice when out of sight
Feel bad for conservative voters, if they were only smarter
If they ever get organized it will make my job harder
Health care, oil & gas, guns and more
My policies Colorado will come to adore
Give us more money and fix everything we will
Sit back and wait, my destiny I will fulfill
Tim (a limerick, a haiku, and a poem):
There once was a man named Polis
Who’s contempt for the right couldn’t hold us
He ran on free stuff
On crime he’s not tough
Old Schutzy’s plans may just fold us
We were once bright red
Slowly we turn't to purple
So sad now we blue
Search for Natural Mystic
We are ready for the runoff
Crying in the shadows
Our rivers are overflowing
Tears for dear Colorado
All sanity has been dashed
Emotions rules the day
The rights of the loudest
Are the only rights in play
Move here to escape the madness
Don't tread on me
Cannot run far enough
They always collect their fee
Back to the shadows we crawl
Keep opinions to ones self
We pull the mask of Guy Fawkes
Rue the day when we will flood the shelf
On this morning of January oh eight
We gather here to inaugurate
A man that was elected and full of hate
Hate for the President and hate for these lands
Hate for the Constitution and for all it stands
On compassion and understanding he did run
But look at his record and he has none
From threatening women to use of the court
This type of bullying I cannot support
If lessons aren't learned in the next four years
I fear this state will flood from the tears
(Ross: Steve, well written but I think it's inaccurate. Jared is absolutely not a hateful guy, and the story about "threatening a woman" is something I debunked repeatedly on the show. That said, I agree with your last two lines given the current full Democratic control of government. Oh, the first two lines rhyme but it isn't '08.)
Jim (the same as the first Jim posted above):
Jared with a smile is just Jared not smiling but with a smile
Polis as the Governor is just Polis not the Governor but the Governor
Jared making policy decisions is just Jared not making policy decisions but making policy decisions
It's obvious to those of us who it's not obvious but it's obvious
I have a tear rolling down my cheek this is so beautiful - headed out to see about teaching a class at Naropa. I hope they pay good.
(Ross: You deserve as much as Anne Waldman)
I’m just a man, a Republican.
The governors seat has now changed hands.
Jared Polis, Jared Polis
On the highways I’m afraid you’ll toll-us
On our paychecks I’m afraid you’ll roll-us
Jared Polis what is your goal-us?
To bring the state high or into the hole-us?
Jared Polis mighty governor like a lion,
Jared Polis like an oxygenated ion.
(Ross: love the use of "ion")
Help is Near
Alas and alack
We can't go back.
Polis was elected
Leaving us dejected.
He'll take our freedom, our money and our guns.
We'll be left with no hope, no power and no fun.
With Polis as gov., we will surely fall.
Help, please help is our frantic call.
Oh wait just a minute, I think I hear something.
Look and see. It is Liberty, alive and thriving and in---Wyoming!
Don (going for "Poem with the longest title"):
in honor of he,
who shrewdly perceiving
the unpopularity of tax increases,
deftly sidestepped questions
regarding how his freebies
would be paid for
Our new gov’s a fellow name Polis
Who sees it his duty to toll us
Deploying his wealth
He campaigned with stealth
Get ready, he’s fixin’ to roll us!
It's inauguration day, for whom I will say.
But first let's look back on how the election played.
What did he do to get all the votes?
He promised everything, including a boat!
No more coal, only wind will do!
Let's pray the economy doesn't blow away too.
The snarl of traffic, on this he hasn't a clue.
I'm pretty sure commuters are screwed.
Child care for all? Yup, on the docket.
Just watch the budget shoot up like a rocket.
You might ask, how we will pay?
Silly you - he didn’t say.
Won't Tabor save us from the taxes they need?
Now they are fees - nothing will stop their greed.
The man I speak, as you might suspect,
Is Jared Polis, the new Governor elect.
He promises to listen to all, but I won’t hold my breath.
I’m thinking we are seeing Colorado’s slow death.
Scott (on Twitter):
There was young man named Polis
Who came from Boulder to rule us.
The climate got hot,
We legalized pot,
and tweeted to troll orange POTUS.
Kath (on Twitter):
Uniting, not Dividing
Nil Sine Numine
(Ross: Bonus point for including the state motto!)
Feelings, feelings, feelings
Important to me and your Mommy
I'm Jared Polis
I'm your local Commie
And Jason again (with a multi-verse haiku):
Relinquish your guns
The people have chosen me
Relinquish free thought
The wealthy know all
It is only civilized
Go without question
I speak for the poor
For they could never be wise
I am your savior
The author, it's clear
Is no fan of progressives
Let freedom ring true
This could keep going
All through the day and the night
Must go make some dough
We now have a Governor named Polis
His election gives conservatives no solace
For Liberal is he
A Nanny state we shall be
As they dig deeper and deeper to our wallets
Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Mo
Jared Polis may have to go
If he can't get his programs through
Then Colorado might not stay so blue
And last (and probably least), my very own limerick:
Jared was always impressive
A good boy, he was rarely aggressive
Mom sent him to Princeton
Where she thought he'd get wisdom
But instead he just turned Progressive