Ross' listeners' poems in honor (or something) of Jared Polis' inauguration

For a couple of days after the inauguration of my friend, the far-too-liberal Jared Polis, as governor of Colorado, I couldn't stop remarking on the pain involved in having to sit (or in my case stand) through the poetry of Anne Waldman who may have replaced the Vogons as the source of the third-worst poetry in the universe:

So I asked my listeners to submit their best poems on the subject of Jared's inauguration, with particular requests for haikus and limericks. The author of the winning poem (as judged by me, with Producer Shannon's input) will get to go out, assuming you want to, for lunch with me (and of course I'm buying!)

There is certainly a consistent theme: my listeners aren't happy that Jared was elected. But within unhappy poems, some are kinder to Jared than others...

Below are the submissions received, in the order received, beginning with a special entry into the contest, by...wait for it...Jared Polis:


"Jackalope" on Twitter:

Colorado has a new governor  

Who promised things that can’t be paid for.  

Like healthcare and pre-k 

Oh how will he pay?  

It’s more than we can afford


Flibberty gibberty

Orange Man Bad

Save us Overlord Polis

Nation is sad

Ions, water, Big Horn Sheep

Polis, bolus, rigamarolus

Colorado no more weep

(Ross: good use of "ions")

Karl on Twitter:

Roses are red. COLORADO is blue.

Poetry is hard. Jared will do fine.

Chef Bill:

My Ode to Colorado by Jared Polis 

A wolf in sheep’s clothing is what I am,

My whole campaign has been a scam.

Just sit back and enjoy the show,

I’ll raise your taxes and you won’t know.

I said I’m going to be the governor of all,

Well the hell with that I lied y’all.

(Ross: Billy, that was pretty harsh for Jared's second full day in office!)


Schmeefs in my Imaginary Extra Glands (a short Jared Polis Inauguration Poem)

Mourning fog burned in the shoals as the other mono installers derided

Jump! Jump! 

Gasp...Holding to the expressions, fellows reversed their eyelid

Happy! Happy! Luncheon vittles...Hammered corn and cleaning ensues on the dias for the aphid

Colorado! Colorado! 

Wink...Jared Polid!

(It is really hard to write such beautiful poetry but I have a gift)

(Ross: I'll have what he's having)


Jared Polis the man who would be king.

Bought his way to the top so that he could sing.

Now we must live by the laws he hands down.

Dear Lord please save us from this clown.

Will (limerick)

Polis is head of our state,

the Dems, they hardly could wait!

With the sturm und the drang,

I feel a great pang,

Most bills, we righties will hate!

Chad (haiku):

Governor Polis

Elected by the people

Hope he does good things


GLORIOUS day of the freeloading victim (ahhhh)

FRAUGHT with the boy/girlious lecternitis.....

I sit.

Your foot.

It's no oxident.


(Ross: I'm speechless)

Deni (haiku):

I am governor.

I bought it all by myself.

You'll like me. Obey.

(Ross: awesome!)


I sit on the pot

I listen to this rot

My ears are infected

You are afflicted

Go away



Oh California how I long to be like you

With apps that show where poo lie in wait

where taxes are taken to their highest rate

where cars run on sunshine

and wind flushes our waste

where identity is taken first into account

while money is taken from your bank account

California with rocky mountains and wild Broncos is what we want to be

no guns

no plastic bags

no wall

no fun

I’m on my way to being just like you, an over rated land with liberty at stake.

Colorado will be renamed The Jared Polis State.

Katie (mostly a limerick):

There once was a young man from Boulder

who is making me feel much older

There's a glint in his eye

so much he could buy!

with no money my home will be colder.

I couldn't resist the challenge.

I call him young man 'cause I'm old.

He wants my cash

for his personal stash.

The private sector's been sold.

Brandt (limerick):

Jared is now the leader of the state

Who knows how much he will dictate

He might take my gun

Or outlaw having fun

I'm hoping I won't have to migrate


Left facing, left leaning, liberal to the core

Listen to others sure, but it makes my head sore

Smile and wave, always polite.

Make deals for social justice when out of sight

Feel bad for conservative voters, if they were only smarter

If they ever get organized it will make my job harder

Health care, oil & gas, guns and more

My policies Colorado will come to adore

Give us more money and fix everything we will

Sit back and wait, my destiny I will fulfill

Tim (a limerick, a haiku, and a poem):

Crazy Baldhead

There once was a man named Polis

Who’s contempt for the right couldn’t hold us

He ran on free stuff

On crime he’s not tough

Old Schutzy’s plans may just fold us

Mellow Mood

We were once bright red

Slowly we turn't to purple

So sad now we blue

Search for Natural Mystic

We are ready for the runoff

Crying in the shadows

Our rivers are overflowing

Tears for dear Colorado

All sanity has been dashed

Emotions rules the day

The rights of the loudest

Are the only rights in play

Move here to escape the madness

Don't tread on me

Cannot run far enough

They always collect their fee

Back to the shadows we crawl

Keep opinions to ones self

We pull the mask of Guy Fawkes

Rue the day when we will flood the shelf


On this morning of January oh eight

We gather here to inaugurate

A man that was elected and full of hate

Hate for the President and hate for these lands

Hate for the Constitution and for all it stands

On compassion and understanding he did run

But look at his record and he has none

From threatening women to use of the court

This type of bullying I cannot support

If lessons aren't learned in the next four years

I fear this state will flood from the tears

(Ross: Steve, well written but I think it's inaccurate. Jared is absolutely not a hateful guy, and the story about "threatening a woman" is something I debunked repeatedly on the show. That said, I agree with your last two lines given the current full Democratic control of government. Oh, the first two lines rhyme but it isn't '08.)

Jim (the same as the first Jim posted above):

Jared with a smile is just Jared not smiling but with a smile

Polis as the Governor is just Polis not the Governor but the Governor

Jared making policy decisions is just Jared not making policy decisions but making policy decisions

It's obvious to those of us who it's not obvious but it's obvious

I have a tear rolling down my cheek this is so beautiful - headed out to see about teaching a class at Naropa. I hope they pay good.

(Ross: You deserve as much as Anne Waldman)


I’m just a man, a Republican.

The governors seat has now changed hands.

Jared Polis, Jared Polis

On the highways I’m afraid you’ll toll-us

On our paychecks I’m afraid you’ll roll-us

Jared Polis what is your goal-us?

To bring the state high or into the hole-us?

Jared Polis mighty governor like a lion,

Jared Polis like an oxygenated ion.

(Ross: love the use of "ion")


Help is Near

Alas and alack

We can't go back.

Polis was elected

Leaving us dejected.

He'll take our freedom, our money and our guns.

We'll be left with no hope, no power and no fun.

With Polis as gov., we will surely fall.

Help, please help is our frantic call.

Oh wait just a minute, I think I hear something.

Look and see. It is Liberty, alive and thriving and in---Wyoming!

Don (going for "Poem with the longest title"):

A limerick

in honor of he,

who shrewdly perceiving

the unpopularity of tax increases,

deftly sidestepped questions

regarding how his freebies

would be paid for

Our new gov’s a fellow name Polis

Who sees it his duty to toll us

Deploying his wealth

He campaigned with stealth

Get ready, he’s fixin’ to roll us!


It's inauguration day, for whom I will say.

But first let's look back on how the election played.

What did he do to get all the votes?

He promised everything, including a boat!

No more coal, only wind will do!

Let's pray the economy doesn't blow away too.

The snarl of traffic, on this he hasn't a clue.

I'm pretty sure commuters are screwed.

Child care for all? Yup, on the docket.

Just watch the budget shoot up like a rocket.

You might ask, how we will pay?

Silly you - he didn’t say.

Won't Tabor save us from the taxes they need?

Now they are fees - nothing will stop their greed.

The man I speak, as you might suspect,

Is Jared Polis, the new Governor elect.

He promises to listen to all, but I won’t hold my breath.

I’m thinking we are seeing Colorado’s slow death.

Scott (on Twitter):

There was young man named Polis 

Who came from Boulder to rule us. 

The climate got hot, 

We legalized pot, 

and tweeted to troll orange POTUS.

Kath (on Twitter):

Governor Polis 

Uniting, not Dividing 

Nil Sine Numine

(Ross: Bonus point for including the state motto!)



Feelings, feelings, feelings

Important to me and your Mommy

I'm Jared Polis

I'm your local Commie

And Jason again (with a multi-verse haiku):

Relinquish your guns

The people have chosen me

Relinquish free thought

The wealthy know all

It is only civilized

Go without question

I speak for the poor

For they could never be wise

I am your savior

The author, it's clear

Is no fan of progressives

Let freedom ring true

This could keep going

All through the day and the night

Must go make some dough


We now have a Governor named Polis

His election gives conservatives no solace

For Liberal is he

A Nanny state we shall be

As they dig deeper and deeper to our wallets


Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Mo

Jared Polis may have to go

If he can't get his programs through

Then Colorado might not stay so blue

And last (and probably least), my very own limerick:

Jared was always impressive

A good boy, he was rarely aggressive

Mom sent him to Princeton

Where she thought he'd get wisdom

But instead he just turned Progressive


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